How to Respect the People we Love?
How to Like the People We Love?
Why Is It sometimes hard to like—and respect—the people we love?
Love and respect are two distinct yet deeply interconnected pillars of any meaningful relationship. While love is an emotional expression of the heart, respect is an intellectual appreciation for another’s positive qualities, values, and unique needs.
Love may feel more powerful and passionate, but without the structure of respect, it can become volatile or even destructive. Respect, though quieter and more rational, enables a person to develop a lasting and grounded appreciation for those they love.
Both qualities are essential for genuine relationships to thrive—whether in business partnerships, marriage, or family life.
Attaining the Right Balance
Lag BaOmer—the 33rd day of the Omer count, which we will celebrate this coming week—is a meaningful and joyful day on the Jewish calendar. One of the key reasons for its observance is that it marks the end of a devastating plague that claimed the lives of 24,000 students of the great sage Rabbi Akiva. According to the Talmud, this tragic loss was a result of the students’ failure to show proper respect for one another.
This is especially striking given that Rabbi Akiva is famously known for teaching that “Love your fellow as yourself” is a fundamental principle of the Torah. How could his own students, so dedicated to his teachings, fall short in embodying such a core value?
The answer lies in their sincerity. Each of Rabbi Akiva’s students deeply internalized his teachings but interpreted and practiced them through a different lens—some emphasized love and kindness, while others focused on discipline and awe. Each believed that their path represented the truest expression of Divine service and, out of genuine love, sought to persuade their peers to adopt it. However, in their passionate commitment to their individual approach, they struggled to fully respect the spiritual perspectives of others.
Though their intentions were noble, this inability to accept and honor differing paths led to a breakdown in mutual respect—an essential ingredient in both personal growth and communal harmony.
Among the few students who survived the plague was Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai, who later became one of the most influential figures in Jewish mysticism. He authored the Zohar, the foundational text of Kabbalah, which reveals the inner, esoteric dimension of the Torah. His teachings offer insight into how to achieve the very balance his fellow students struggled with—between love and respect, individuality and unity.
Rabbi Shimon passed away on Lag BaOmer and instructed that the day be marked with joy. It is a day when great spiritual light is revealed—a light that continues to guide us in our efforts to bring unity, purpose, and harmony into our lives and relationships.
The Torah’s Timeless Wisdom on Love
This week's Torah portion, Kedoshim, contains the foundational mitzvah:
“Love your neighbor as yourself.”
A well-known yet perplexing story in the Talmud (Shabbat 31a) illustrates this idea:
A gentile came to Shammai and said, “Convert me on the condition that you teach me the whole Torah while I stand on one foot.” Shammai drove him away.
He then came to Hillel, who told him:
“What is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. This is the entire Torah; the rest is commentary—go and learn it.”
In analyzing this Talmudic story, many commentators struggle with understanding Hillel’s statement. Why did Hillel formulate his words in the negative instead of maintaining the positive expression the Torah uses: “Love your neighbor as yourself”?
Furthermore, how can Hillel state that this rule is the entire Torah and the rest is commentary?
Granted that it is the essence of all Mitzvot governing our behavior “between man and man”; but the Torah also includes many Mitzvot that are in the realm of “between man and G‑d.” In what way is the Mitzvah to “love your fellow as yourself” the essence of Mitzvot like Torah study, affixing a Mezuzah on our door or celebrating Shabbat?
Understanding the Nature of Love
To explore this, we must first examine the very nature of love.
Human beings are born with a natural self-love that influences our decisions and behaviors. Even when we form friendships or give to others, our actions are often motivated—consciously or not—by self-interest: a desire for honor, companionship, or reciprocity.
So how can we achieve the Torah’s ideal of unconditional love—even toward a stranger?
To appreciate these ideas, we must first explore the very nature of love itself.
We are all born with a natural self-love, which motivates many of these things we do and it dictates our behavior and life choices. Even while we develop friendships and relationships and learn to share with others, it may also be motivated by a selfish desire for companionship, honor, or reciprocity. How is it humanly possible to develop an unconditional love for another person, especially in regards to a total stranger?
The Maharsha, Rabbi Shmuel Eliezer Edeles (1555-1631, Poland), a famous commentator of the Talmud, explains that while we are commanded to love others like ourselves, it may not always be easily attainable or even practical, especially regarding matters when’s one own life takes precedence such as in situations pertaining to life and death.
Hillel is therefore teaching us that as we embark on our journey of developing a selfless love, we should endeavor to begin by respecting another and refraining from doing things which are hateful to one’s self. That is indeed a practical goal attainable for ordinary individuals.
The Tzemach Tzedek ( Lubavitch, Russia 1789-1866) elaborates further that Hillel’s unique statement also expresses a much deeper truth regarding the mitzvah of loving your fellow as yourself.
The Talmud (Shabbat 119a) states that "a person sees no flaw within himself." The intent is that our own faults are not as important to us and do not disturb us because we love ourselves. Even if we are intellectually aware of our deficiencies, this knowledge will not evoke an emotional response. Accordingly, our shortcomings give us no cause for concern. We recognize that we have a deeper Divine core that is not defined or limited by our faults.
Hillel's teaching can be understood as "What is hateful to you—having one of your shortcomings revealed—do not do to your fellow." Do not expose their faults and imperfections. Instead, let your love for them cover over their faults to the point that they evoke no repulsion, just as your own faults do not repulse you.
Loving Beyond the Ego
When our relationships are driven by ego or convenience—when they serve only to boost our self-image or personal gain—they are unlikely to endure. Real love requires more.
According to Kabbalah, we each possess two souls:
An animal soul focused on self-preservation and physical pleasure.
A G-dly soul, a literal part of G-d, that seeks purpose, connection, and spiritual fulfillment.
The Tanya, authored by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745–1813), explains that our G-dly souls are all rooted in the same divine source. In this sense, we are all spiritual siblings. Just as we feel unconditional love for our family because we share the same essence, so too we can—and must—love every Jew as part of our extended soul-family.
Beyond the Surface: Revealing the Divine in Others
When we begin to see others through the lens of the soul—not just their external behavior—we uncover their true essence. The more we attune ourselves to our own spiritual core, the more we can recognize and love that same core in others.
This is why “love your neighbor as yourself” is not merely one mitzvah among many. It reflects the essence of the entire Torah: to reveal the Divine within ourselves, in others, and in the world around us.
For example:
Studying Torah elevates the intellect.
Affixing a mezuzah transforms our homes into sacred spaces.
Celebrating Shabbat sanctifies time and infuses the mundane with meaning.
Giving tzedakah elevates our material possessions and business endeavors.
From Baseless Hatred to Baseless Love
The Talmud teaches that the Second Temple was destroyed due to sinat chinam—baseless hatred among Jews. The Rebbe often emphasized that the only way to reverse that is through ahavat chinam—baseless love, love even when no justification seems apparent.
Ultimately, the coming of Moshiach will usher in an era defined by universal love and harmony—a world where the soul is primary, and unity prevails.
When we love a person because of their very soul, no external shortcomings will interfere with that love. If we are only preoccupied with furthering our self-image to attain personal success and indulge in physical pleasures, it can be challenging to love others like ourselves. Relationships we develop under those circumstances only serve to further our own achievements, and love and care for another person will only endure as long as it remains convenient.
However, in addition to our animal soul which motivates us to care for our own selfish needs, each of us was endowed with a G-dly soul which is literally a part of G-d. This soul motivates us to live a productive and meaningful life and to fulfill our mission on earth through the study of Torah, performance of Mitzvot and acts of goodness and kindness.
The Tanya, authored by Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi (1745-1813, Russian Empire) explains that we are in fact all inherently connected with one another since our G-dly souls are all rooted in the same source. Therefore, in essence, we are all brothers and sisters who share the same parents- our creator. Just as we feel unconditional love for our immediate family, since we are of the same flesh and blood, so too we can feel unconditional love for every Jew, even a complete stranger, for we are all one family.
The more we cultivate a deeper connection and sensitivity to how we view ourselves and the people around us, the more we can truly love one another unconditionally. When we learn to go beyond the physical, to look past the outer concealments, the true existence of the person shines forth.
Based on the above explanation regarding the essential meaning of "love your neighbor as yourself" we can readily understand how it is the basis of all of the Torah.
For the basis and root purpose of the entire Torah and Mitzvot is to elevate the soul and express the inherent unity that exists among all of creation and thereby create a home for G-d in this physical world. When we perform a Mitzvah, we are expressing the true purpose of the particular created being, moment or object.
For example, through Torah study we elevate our mind, by affixing a Mezuzah on our doorpost we are inviting G-d into our home and transforming our living space, and by celebrating Shabbat we are uplifting our workweek and infusing our mundane pleasures with meaning and purpose. In a similar vein, when we give Tzedakah we are elevating our business pursuits and all of our material resources.
The Talmud relates that the second Temple in Jerusalem was destroyed as a result of baseless hatred that existed among the Jewish people at that time. The way we must rectify that and rebuild the third Temple in Jerusalem with the coming of Redemption is through Ahavat Chinam— love for no reason — love even for those in whom one sees no reason to love. Ultimately, Moshiach will usher in an era of unconditional love for all of humanity.
